Eggstreme Hangover Cure

Posted on April 28th, 2007 by Mr Fatuous.
Categories: Food.

Poor Mrs Fatuous is off at a conference over the weekend so yet again I made myself the promise I always make when she’s away.

I will not get absolutely ratted and stay up to a stupid hour in the morning playing online poker effectively throwing away most of Saturday.

As always the promise was broken. As I sat downstairs looking at the empty bottle of vodka with 4am proudly flashing at me from the clock I needed a solution. I had even run out of soft drink so the hangover was going to be strong. I could have drank water but water always seems like a throwback to medieval times. There are many wonderful flavoured drinks around so why settle for the basic, taste free, water. Actually our water tastes of fluoride. Look in the shops for fluoride flavoured food, can’t find it can you? The reason being fluoride tastes awful.

Anyway I needed a plan and I needed it for tomorrow morning. Bless my alcohol soaked brain, it didn’t let me down. All I had to do was remember the plan in the morning. For somebody who spends a large percentage of his time standing in rooms wondering why he’s in that room it’s not a forgone conclusion.

Morning came and, as you may have guessed by the fact I’m writing about it, I did remember the plan. But first I’d need to go to the shops. I decided to walk as my eyes felt like they were actually vibrating. I also thought the fresh air might do me good. The air might have been good but walking up the steep hill with armfuls of shopping was not. I was sweating like a pig, shaking like a shitting dog and wheezing like Vanessa Feltz attempting to climb the European butter mountain.

At last I was ready to start with my cunning plan, a plan I intend to share with you. You’ve done well to stick with it so far so who am I to let you down. Ladies, gentlemen, sweaty pigs, shitting dogs and buttery Vanessas I give you

The Yolktastic Egg Butty Hangover Cure!

As the woman off the M & S adverts would say, “this is no ordinary egg butty.” A hangover cure needs several key features, this butty provides most of them.

  • Grease
  • Bacon
  • Egg
  • Chilli sauce

The only thing it lacks is more alcohol. The more adventurous cook may attempt to add alcohol but I had none left. The key to this recipe is egg yolks. Eggs are nice, eggs contain hangover busting chemical chains but, as every child will tell you, eggs have two distinct parts, well three if you include the shell but nobody eats that. The yolk which is the yellow, tasty bit that also happens to be packed with the chemical chains we wish to ingest and the white which is the frankly the pointless, hanger on which just gets in the way of the yolky joy. If it helps, the white is Pete Doherty to a yolky Kate Moss. The recipe has oodles of Kate with just enough Pete to stop the whole thing going off the rails in a heroin fueled rampage. Hang on I haven’t thought this analogy through have I.

You Will Need

4 eggs
Parma ham (you could use bacon but this is much lighter and makes you look a bit posher than the drunk you really are)
Tabasco sauce (wimps have no place in my kitchen)
A roll (or any other bread based product)
Tommy K (or brown sauce if you prefer, fuck it, use both if you like)
A bottle of Irn Bru

Ingredients

Step 1 – Swig the Irn Bru

Irn Bru

If there’s one thing the Scots know how to do it’s drink. If you lived in a cold, wet, miserable country and went round with a chip on your shoulder bigger than your actual town you’d drink too. Their magical orange coloured wonder-drink should give you the strength to finish the cooking.

Step 2 – Heat some oil in a pan and fry the parma ham.

Mmmmm fatty goodness

That’s your fat right there. Embrace it’s lipid love. When they’re done pop them in a warmish oven to crisp up a little. Keep the frying pan hot for stage 5.

Step 3 – Separate the yolks from the the whites. I use the moving the yolk from one half shell to another method. Do whatever your shaking hands can cope with. The key part is to keep the yolks intact.

Yolks as Scooby Doo might say

Step 4 – Add tabasco and a little salt and pepper to the egg whites. We don’t need much of the whites, just enough to stop the yolks from burning. If you wanted to add alcohol you would add it to the whites here. Whisk them with a fork a little.

Our whites lemonade

Step 5 – This part is the tricky part. Pour a little of the egg whites into the pan and let them fry for a few seconds to slightly firm up. You want enough white to support the 4 yolks but not much more.

Step 6 – Gently slide the yolks out of the half shells on top of the white. Try to get low so as to not break the yolks, you’ll kick yourself if you place three perfectly then screw up the forth. I recommend a childhood spent playing operation and buckaroo for the skills required. If you’ve done that (placing the yolks not spending your childhood playing buckaroo) it should look like this

Ain't she a beauty

Step 7 – Squirt your desired sauce on your bread and place the parma rashers on top. When the eggs are cooked (white firm, yolks still runny) place them on top of the parma ham. It’s now ready to eat.

The finished product

You’ll probably need to eat this with a knife and fork as the yolk runs everywhere.

Does it work? Well my eyes have stopped vibrating and there’s a beer in the fridge calling me.

Share

53 comments.

Aneraser

Comment on April 28th, 2007.

A lovely butty, but I’m afraid you’ve made a schoolboy error with step one. Diet Irn Bru? Diet!?

The entire point of Irn Bru is the fact that in 300ml of Irn Bru, there is 18 metric tonnes of sugar *. Without the sugar, I’m amazed you made it to step two.

Still, you made it, and I for one salute you

Darron

Comment on April 28th, 2007.

Wow this is a great reason to get intoxicated more often. Thanks for the recipe I have written it down on a post it and will stick it to my head to remind me for the next morning. Great stuff!

Mac

Comment on May 4th, 2007.

I have to aggree with Aneraser. We Scots drink Irn Bru as a hangover cure purely cause its full of sugar (gives you mare energy) and because its packed with caffienne. I really am surprised you survived using diet irn bru.

You’ll know next time I guess.

Ben

Comment on May 4th, 2007.

Oh god it’s true, on a Friday night the average 30ish year old man would rather stay up to 4am drinking & playing computer games than, well, anything, thus wiping out any hope of doing something constructive Saturday.

I salute you sir, and your amazing hangover cure.

Nelly

Comment on May 4th, 2007.

Diet Irn Bru?!?! That’s not going to do you any good whatsoever. And it makes you look like a jessie.

Diet Bru is the devil’s spunk and should be avoided. You need the sugar if you’re going to beat that hangover!

Yes, I’m Scottish.

Karl

Comment on May 4th, 2007.

Wow, what a great recipe; I guess I’ve got to try it tomorrow. It surely contains fat and protein. Nice design with the four yolks :)

eggsy

Comment on May 4th, 2007.

This is like a regional dish taught me by a mate from middlesbro. known as a benjo, needs real not 90% water bacoon(sic) firied first then the bread fried one side and an egg broken onto it so the fat fries through the bread, the bacon is embedded with a second slice and a squidge of daddies brown mixed with mustard. and the whole concoction turned repaetedly until the outer gets browned, the egg and bacon get structural together.
served with Tizer, IB ( same stable) or better a bottle of necastle exhibition, camerons strongarse or a guiness!
oh I forgot fry an onion in the bacon fat and throw it in, it will kill any stomach yeasts from drinking the real stuff.

My variant uses srilankan garlic piclke which is in tabasco territory, boil the water off the packet shit bacon, add the crushed pickle in oil and a tablespoon of oil or better: butter or LARD and do as above. I`ll get me coat :-)

Jacobite Dave

Comment on May 4th, 2007.

One more thing about the Irn Bru…..
It should, ideally, be cold and flat. That way it not only soothes your cracking vocals and gyrating bowels but also reduces the risk of bilious reflux that may arise from the bubbliciously induced, jaw cracking burples. (and I think the sugar is absorbed easier)

Jacobite Dave

Comment on May 4th, 2007.

p.s.
It also means that if the whole lot comes straight back up, it is soothingly cool!!!!

OBLEDUT

Comment on May 4th, 2007.

Hell yes,after you will vomit.

krankiboy

Comment on May 4th, 2007.

Nice egg work sport.

QUESTION: Why do you need fat for the hangover? Fat blocks the absorption of the liquid that helps your body process out the alcohol. And how will adding alchohol (which will get cooked away) help your hangover? Not being snarky, just curious. Thanks!

spacemonkers

Comment on May 4th, 2007.

Jacobite Dave: you are so rite. Add a lorn sausage and all good

nyorei

Comment on May 4th, 2007.

isn’t there much more important stuff in the world hmmmm…

Mr. Fatuous

Comment on May 5th, 2007.

I can only hang my head in shame regarding the diet irn bru. It was the only type they had in the shop. I had to top up the sugar levels with a choccy bar on the way back from the shops.

Happy Hun 2-0 5/5/7

Comment on May 5th, 2007.

Diet Irn Bru tastes like Urine. Go for the full Bhuna stuff. Yhe sugar ush along with the enumbers works a treat

Happy Hun 2-0 5/5/7

Comment on May 5th, 2007.

Sorry i’m drunk – saving web page for tomorrow

Miko

Comment on May 5th, 2007.

Fry a goodly amount of bacon. Pour the fat out into a cup and put the bacon aside. Break and whisk six eggs, pour half of the mixture into a hot pan, fry until solidly cooked on the bottom and still a bit squishy on top. Put aside, pour the other half of the mixture into the pan, once semi-cooked add the bacon, glop on some sour cream, and place a small microwave pizza (or defrosted frozen pizza, small) face down atop the bacon and sour cream. Add the other omelette half, squidgy side down. Cook until one solid lump.

Consume with relish. The emotion, not the condiment. Although you can add the condiment if you feel like it.
Serves one. Approx. 1500 kcal and 100% of your RDA of fat.

Term

Comment on May 6th, 2007.

One Word……DRool!

The Faun

Comment on May 6th, 2007.

How very useful, think I might have an afternoon on the oil now. Many thanks my little alco-moomin chummies…

Mr. Forbes

Comment on May 6th, 2007.

Tried this hangover cure earlier this morning and ended up puking up all over the golf course!

Joan

Comment on May 6th, 2007.

Two bottles of Q.C. sherry normally does the trick for me.

Oilmonger

Comment on May 6th, 2007.

I AM COMING FOR YOUR OIL! COME ON, GIVE IT TO ME! I MUST HAVE IT!

OILO OILO OILO

Grumpus

Comment on May 6th, 2007.

Aaaah normally justh thout ‘ THAAARLOTTE ‘ with my shit stained cock dangling from my pants like a septic maggot . . . . . THAAAAARLOTTTE

Mr. Fatuous

Comment on May 6th, 2007.

Mr Oil would have scared me but then Grumpus came along and trumped him.

Cidman2001

Comment on May 7th, 2007.

Ok…I’m from the States. What the hell is Irn Bru? It looks like Gatorade or something like that….am I close?

Dodie

Comment on May 7th, 2007.

That was DIET IRN BRU which will only cure the poncyest of hangovers.

Pisser

Comment on May 7th, 2007.

Cidman2001: Irn Bru is, as far as I’ve heard, somwhat of a mix between Gatorade and Red Bull. You Scots may hang me if I’m wrong.

Jack

Comment on May 8th, 2007.

Why not just keep an extra half pint of vodka on hand?
Much easier to do, don’t you think? Breakfast of Champions!

shakyface

Comment on May 8th, 2007.

It’s wrong, all wrong I tells ya. The only cure for a bottle of vodka while playing poker on a friday night, is as follows- 1. wake up 2. smoke spliff 3. Go down pub and get hammered 4. Wake up on Sunday morning with no idea what you did for the best part of Saturday, but nasty feelings you made a cunt of yourself and no longer have ant friends. It’s at this point you can ingest food. This should be in the form of a Sunday roast, once again in the pub acompanied by five pints of cider. The whole idea of eating anything on the Saturday and COOKING IT YOURSELF just goes to show why this country is in the state it is today. Shame on you.

Shitcunt IX

Comment on May 8th, 2007.

Shakyface is absolutley right. I did that on Friday, Saturday, Sunday & Monday and woke up today at 2pm and thought SHIT What have I done. Have now drunk 6 cans of K Cider and 1/2 bottle of Brandy….Feel much better

andrea

Comment on May 8th, 2007.

Im from the states but im coming to scotland for about a month and a half this summer. what do i need to know to avoid making a total ass of myself at the pubs?? dont want to ask for a diet irn bru the morning after, do i? … i need some scottish guidance please

Wolf

Comment on May 9th, 2007.

andrea- why don’t you visit somewhere else.
How about the country of Disneyland.

You will be safe there and won’t piss off anyone.
Stupid Merkins

Mr. Fatuous

Comment on May 10th, 2007.

Andrea here’s a few handy hints,

It may be in the summer but it more than liekly will be cold, wet or both.

If you’ve never been to a UK pub before then don’t sit at a table and wait to get served. You’ll be waiting a long time.

Don’t be surprised to see locals drinking more in an evening than an American would drink in a month. Best start practicing now!

Vegetarianism is treated like a disease in Scotland.

Local drinks include umpteen varieties of whisky and various ales. If in doubt order a pint of heavy.

The local dish is haggis. It’s lovely but don’t ask what’s in it if you have a weak stomach. Everything else is cooked in two ways, fried or deep-fried.

Don’t walk round smiling, this will give you away as being foreign.

There is one similarity with Disneyland. At the end of your trip you’ll have a load of Micky Mouse money that nobody else will accept.

Erks

Comment on May 10th, 2007.

Andrea. Scots are lovely folks. I found one good ice-breaker was to say “Och aye. Ahm a BIG fan of Andy Stewart. Dee ya ken if Her Majesty will be at Balmoral, the noo?”

Ermm. Ah! Great hangover cooking there mate, btw!

RNC

Comment on May 10th, 2007.

oh dear. first, it looked like the output of a four arsed chicken (perhaps subliminal memories of South Park).

Second, you need to look up the video of Paul Hogan presenting his version. I recall that included XXXX, oysters, vegemite, tabasco, RAW eggs (the best sort), a little seasoning. He did manage to drink it on stage.

Thirdly, The Suffering Bastard (love the name), angastura bitters, 1/2fl.oz gin, 1/2fl.oz brandy, tsp lime juice, cold ginger ale. swirl bitters around a highbal glass, chuck excess. half fill glass with ice, add other ingredients. Garnish with lime cucumber orange, sprig of mint.

Finally – the treaise – look up ISBN I 904435 45 9 on Amazon & buy it. “How to cure a hangover.” I wish you many happy mornings.

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Melissa G

Comment on May 11th, 2007.

I would love to play poker with you sometime. Let me know.

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Woozy

Comment on May 11th, 2007.

Are you retarded? The wallpaper chosen makes all your information virtually unreadable, therefore useless. Even if I wasn’t hungover, just looking at this wallpaper wouldmake me vomit.

Mr. Fatuous

Comment on May 11th, 2007.

Everybody else managed to read it Woozy. Can I ask the same question back at you?

Haggisbreeder

Comment on May 12th, 2007.

Truth is, there is no cure for a hangover, but IRN-BRU (NOT Un-Leaded) makes it easier. A roll on fried haggis with brown sauce always helps too.

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matt

Comment on June 4th, 2007.

quite possibly the best egg butty ive ever seen, absolutely ace matey

Hangover Cure

Comment on August 21st, 2007.

It certainly takes a lot of cooking and preparation to become an alcoholic :D

TheNamelessThing

Comment on March 23rd, 2008.

Was just thinking about a great egg butty a mate made me this weekend after serious hammer. Just two rounds of plain white bread, with a nice runny fried egg in between. Quadrophenia butties, i call ‘em.

They are awesome.

Mr. Mr.

Comment on April 6th, 2008.

Hang over cure? MY ASS! Im still hurtin and now i have fucking egg mess to clean up. thanks bud.

Mr. Fatuous

Comment on April 7th, 2008.

Your ass is still hurting? That must have been some night out!

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matt

Comment on June 28th, 2008.

absolutly amazing, just reading the comments cured my hangover………………no wait its back. fuk

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emily

Comment on September 9th, 2008.

very nice. cheers.

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